Saturday, February 25, 2012

Perfectly awful

Close your eyes (briefly... you still gotta read) and imagine the worst Republican candidate possible. What would be some of the characteristics of that candidate? Here's my guess at some main ones:

1. In an atmosphere of hatred from both sides (Tea Party and Occupy Wall Street) for the super-wealthy, he should have hundreds of millions of dollars.
2. It would be even better if he was born into money and influence. A self-made man, say a man born to parents of different races and given a funny name who writes a book and earns a few million, might inspire good feelings, but a man who was born at third base and thinks he hit a triple would really be a focus of ire.
3. Taking his money and doing something useful with it might make for a popular origin story. It would make him a more perfectly ridiculous candidate if he were to be a personification of corporate capitalism, required by law to be solely dedicated to making even more money.
4. Rather than letting his wealth be a tertiary bit of trivia in the campaign, he should constantly bring it up in increasingly ridiculous and tone-deaf ways, like "I'm also unemployed", "I like being able to fire people who provide services to me", "I'm not concerned about the very poor", or that his wife drives a "couple of cadillacs".
5. While a horrible personal history makes for an unappealing vessel, he and his campaign need to be really bad at the business of campaigning.
6. But beyond the optics of back-story and campaign theatrics, it's important that he speak out against popular practices like contraception, causing his standing amongst women to fall dramatically.
7. Lest any conservative actually be inspired by his superhuman ability to spout the the conservative talking point of the day, his rhetoric must be balanced with a long history of statements that he "is moderate, and my views are progressive."
8. History is not enough. We need new bits of evidence that he's not a true believer, like "If you just cut, if all you’re thinking about doing is cutting spending, as you cut spending you’ll slow down the economy."
9. For objective proof of his political impotence, he needs to finds himself locked in an existential struggle with Rick fucking Santorum.
10. Finally, we need to discuss his position on the issue that most animates his party's base. For the modern Republican Party, that issue is the individual health care mandate, which fueled the 2010 landslide. So our hypothetical worst candidate possible would have to be literally the one Republican out of the 35.9% of the entire country who are Republicans who is most tied to the individual mandate.

1 comment:

M said...

I think maybe the Republican party could do better running, I don't know, a box turtle. I'm really enjoying your regular posts!